Summer's Shenanigans

I used to advertise my lingerie store on SuicideGirls.com, so I got a free account and it is a super cool site! Suicide Girls is basically an online community that revolves around naked new wave alternative pin up girls. It's really refreshing to see un-airbrushed pictures of real women that have really cool tattoos, peircings and mad style. Very few Suicide Girl have boob jobs either, which is a nice change since I edit lingerie photos all day long and EVERY lingerie model has fake boobies. Here are a few pics of some Suicide Girls:

One of my biggest pet peeves are bad tattoos. And the WORST tattoos are the ones that people think look cool, but they have no idea of the significance behind them. For example, all of the old sailor tattoos that are SO ridiculously popular: Nautical stars, anchors, swallows, etc. Do you think these 18 years olds with swallows tattooed on their chests have any idea of the importance of a swallow? The reason swallows were so important to sailors is because if you were lost at sea, spotting a swallow meant they were near land. Sailors also got a swallow tattoed on their chest after sailing a certain amount of nautical miles (5000 miles per swallow, I believe). So everytime I see people with tattoos that they obviously have no idea behind the meaning, I want to bitch slap them. Remember when it was the coolest thing ever to get a chinese character tattooed on your body? Even though you are whiter then white, have never been out of the USA and have zero interest in Asian culture? Well, I think this story is pretty funny...

"Pitt junior Brandon Smith wanted a tattoo that proclaimed his manliness, so he decided to get the Chinese characters for 'strength' and 'honor' on his chest. After 20 minutes under the needle of local tattoo artist Andy Sakai, he emerged with the symbol for 'small penis' embedded in his flesh.

"I had it for months before I knew what it really meant," Smith said.

"Then I went jogging through the Carnegie Mellon campus and a group of Asian kids started laughing and calling me 'Shorty'. That’s when I knew something was up."

Sakai, an award-winning tattoo artist, was tired of seeing sacred Japanese words, symbols of his heritage, inked on random white people. So he used their blissful ignorance to make an everlasting statement. Any time a customer came to Sakai's home studio wanting Japanese tattooed on them, he modified it into a profane word or phrase.

"All these preppy sorority girls and suburban rich boys think they're so cool because they have a tattoo with Japanese characters. But it doesn’t mean shit to them!" Sakai said. "The dumbasses don't even realize that I've written 'slut' or 'pervert' on their skin!"

In the last month, seven people unknowingly received explicit tattoos from the disgruntled artist. Kerri Baker, a Carlow College freshman, paid $50 to have the symbols for 'beautiful goddess' etched above her belly button, but when she went into Szechuan Express Asian Noodle Shop sporting a bare midriff, the giggling employees explained to her that the tattoo really said, 'Insert General Tso’s Chicken Here!'

"I don't even like General Tso's!" Baker sobbed. "I'm a vegetarian!"

Sakai doesn't feel guilty about using hapless college students as canvases for his graffiti.

"I think I'm helping my fellow man by labeling all the stupid people in the world," he explained. "It's not a crime, it's a public service."

I just received an order for a rhinestone tiara from one of my stores (HustlerPanties.com). The customer choose "money order" as their form of payment, so those orders go into my pending file until payment is actually received. SO, seconds after I get this order, this customer sends this email to customer service:

"can yall please give it to me for free i am so poor i will pay for the shipping 3.00 but i cant pay 17.00 im so sorry i just cant please email me back with the answer"

Are you fucking kidding me? Oh, yeah, sure thing. I'll get that free tiara out to you right away. If you are "so poor", don't you think you should be out finding a job rather then shopping for rhinestone tiaras online?! It would be one thing if I sold business suits and someone emailed me to see if I could donate one since they were poor and had to go to a job interview or something. BUT A FREAKING RHINSTONE TIARA?! Does Cinderella have a ball to go to?! Or, maybe this women desperately needs to upgrade her crown?

What in the hell is wrong with people? Also, this is not the 1st time I've received requests for free merchandise simply because they are poor. When I was poor, I sure as hell wasn't trying to score free tiaras. I was working two jobs and going to school.

I was feeling creative, so here is my artist rendition of what my customer may have looked like, if I wasn't such a heartless bitch:

Once upon a time, in the late 70's there was a beautiful women named Jocelyn Wildenstein (pictured to the left). Jocelyn really had it made. She was a fresh-faced mother of two and married to an extremely rich art dealer. That is until she caught her husband in bed with a 21 year old Russian model. Now, any normal person would just leave her husband and take all of his money with her, right? Not Jocelyn Wildenstein! Instead she decided to win back her husbands love and make herself more beautiful by going under the knife. Well, her husband left her anyways, but Jocelyn will always have her plastic surgeon. Here is Jocelyn Wildenstein (also known as the Beast of Wildenstein) after about 1/2 of the plastic surgeries she's had:

I sleep with my dog (Kuta) in my room and this morning he burst out barking and growling like mad. I awake startled and realized that someone just knocked on my bedroom door...I live alone...Who the FUCK is in my house! As I'm waking up and trying to figure out what is going on, there is another rattle on my bedroom door. SHIT! Now I'm looking for a weapon...The knife I used to religiously stash under my mattress is in my car. I have my cell phone in hand and I really really wanted to dial 911, but I start looking for alternatives. I can jump out the window, run around back and surprise whomever is trying to get into my bedroom. But it is 8am?! Who the hell breaks into a house in the morning?! They must be on drugs!!! Why would they be trying to get into my bedroom when they know I have a big ass dog in here?!

So I sneak out of bed, trying not to make a sound. I crawl across the floor and try to look under the door. IS THAT SOMEONES FOOT?! Oh, hmmm, I guess an intruder wouldn't be wearing my new gold peep-toe pumps (that I left outside my bedroom door). After trying to peer under the door and listening for any foreign noises, I get up off of the floor. As I come eye-level with the door knob, I notice that it isn't even locked (I guess that would make it pretty easy for an intruder to enter my room...unless they didn't have thumbs.)...

So, apparently, Monkey decided to wake up at 8am and entertain herself by rolling around on the floor and bashing into my door (I couldn't see her from my bed). I had hung three brass horseshoes on my door the day before, so this made quite a ruckus, which startled Kuta into attack mode, which scared the hell out of me.

Sweet, 1st I'm attacked by Gummy Sweetarts Bugs and now I have to stab people. What a week...

So, just when being without Stefan was becoming unbareable (I cried last night, because I miss him so much...and I am not the crying type), guess who called me from a satellite phone in the middle of the Indian Ocean! Stefan! Yay! It was so good to hear his voice. I wish I was in paradise with my boyfriend...

I'm super duper grouchy lately. I miss Stefan a lot and he is still in Indonesia for another 8 days. The weather has been overcast and grey since he left and there has been NO surf. Grrrrrrrrrrrouchy.

I found this designer, Robin Adams, who designs a lovely line of jewelry that includes these beautiful maggot earrings:

So, this morning I was dead asleep in my bed when I'm awoken by something squishy and weird feeling slapping me in the back. I freeze and think, "Okay, what the F&%# is on my back". I literally did not move for 2 - 3 minutes, trying to figure out what the hell just happened. Stefan just left for Indonesia, so I am watching his dog "Monkey", who just so happens to be belimic (okay, maybe not, but she does throw up a lot), so the 1st thing I think is that Monkey just threw up on my back while I was sleeping. Awesome. So once I come to that conclusion, I don't want to move because I don't want Monkey puke all over my bed. So after lying there for another few minutes, I'm awake enough to figure that I should do *something*, so I slowly turn my head and look over my shoulder to see what the hell is on my back...Whatta ya know...It's a pack of Gummy Sweetarts Bugs.

I bet that's never happened to anyone else. Ever. So, I took that as a sign from God that I should have Gummy Sweetarts Bugs for breakfast. Yum!

Are you wondering how the heck a pack of candy fell out of the sky and landed on my back?! Well, when Stefan left for his Indo surf trip, he apparently hid candy all over my house, including in the vines that hang over my bed...haha. A rude, yet delicious, awakening =)...and I'm really really glad that Monkey did not puke on my back. Phew!

I get a bunch of random people stumbling over my blog and I recently received an email with some questions regarding Costa Rica. So, here are some answers!

1. Is it pretty safe to travel around by yourself, renting a car, bicycle, scooter and just exploring?
It is safe to travel alone in Costa Rica. Just get out of San Jose as soon as possible. San Jose is sketchy with a lot of crime and drugs (Good club scene though). We had a hotel broken into once and a camera stolen, but you have to keep alert when traveling in any foreign country. Tourists are always a target, but Costa Rican are some of the most genuinely nice people that I have come across. I've rented a car every time because there is SO much good stuff to explore (car rentals are very expensive in Costa Rica).

2. We are beginner surfers. Will we be able to find waves that will not kill us and people to help us learn?
There is surf for everyone from beginning surfers to pros and there are surf schools EVERYWHERE. There are two very popular surf schools in Tamarindo.

3. Going topless or nude. Is it a major no no or can you get away with it?
I don't recall seeing more then one or two topless women, so it's not common, but you can get away with it. There are plenty of secluded beaches too.

4. What is the area known for as far as booze? Rum, Tequila, ??
Costa Rica is known for Guaro. It is cheap, strong and rough, but you have to try a shot with tabasco. All of their tropical rum drinks are delicious since all the fruit used to make them is fresh off the trees. Yum!

5. The 5th one is iffy. We don’t want to offend.
I'm unoffendable, so ask whatever you'd like ;).

Any one else have any question for me?! =)

I just ordered a new watch! Are you excited? Well, maybe if you knew that it was a super sweet handmade leather cuff watch? Here is a picture: