Since my bodyguard is in Puerto Rico, I’ve rented a little protection while I’m in San Diego. Meet Junior!



He’s actually a 160lb (at least!) Bull Mastif and he is ENORMOUS. I’ve seen a lot of dogs in my day and I’ve never seen a dog this big and strong. His head is twice as big as mine. I hope he doesn’t eat me.

Stefan took this photo of Kuta as he was managing the excavation of the PR property.

I love my boy. You couldn’t ask for a better dog/partner in crime. He really is amazing once you actually get to know him (you’ll hate him if you’re not a “dog person”. He’s way too smart and protective of me, but that suits me just fine ).

I took Monkey to the vet today and her butt problem was exactly what I thought (gotta love the internet). Her anal sacs were full, which gives dogs a very uncomfortable feeling. Victor the vet tech, did the honors of putting his finger up her butt to “express” her anal gland ($20, well spent…) and even he seemed a bit grossed out when he was explaining to me that Monkey’s sacs “were very full”.

The vet also gave me a perscription for anal cream and I’m supposed to “apply a thin layer to rectal area twice daily for 10 days”. WHAT? They didn’t even give me any rubber gloves to go with the Monkey anal cream. Christ.

Stefan, I am Fex Ex-ing Monkey and her anal cream to you. She’s YOUR dog, you know…(she’s only our dog when she does cute stuff…).

Anal cream. Are you f-ing kidding me?!

Look at this cool zorse! This is Eclyse and her mom is a horse and her dad is a zebra (Apparently they were accidentally introduced and mated at a ranch in Italy. Whoops!). Nonetheless, she’s beautiful!

I saw this picture in a magazine and thought it was photoshopped, but it’s 100% authentic. She looks like she should have a unicorn horn!

Here are is the story of Eclyse the zorse on Yahoo News

Monkey has been obsessively rubbing her butt on things lately (the bed, the wall, a post, a tree, a chair, my foot…you name it, Monkey has probably tried to rub her ass on it…), so I was searching around the internet to see what might be her problem. From what I’ve found, it seems like her “anal sacs” need to be emptied.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20060923113835AAPyqHl

Excuse me? What?! I am not sticking my finger up Monkey’s butt in search of her anal sacs, thank you very much! After reading the article above, these people are talking about emptying their dogs anal sacs like it’s like giving them a bath. WTF. I have had dogs since I was born and never in my life have I ever had to stick my finger in a dogs butt.

Off to the vet with her…

Go ‘head girl, get your freak on…

There is no work service today so I decided to catch up on my domestic duties. I shaved and washed Kuta:

That may not seem like a big task, but it took over an hour just to shave him. My dog has a lot of surface area! Then when I washed him, I got attacked by ants. Apparently they failed to complete their ark before I flooded their world…

I shaved an entire trash bag full of Kuta’s hair off of him and he is so much happier now (it’s been very hot). As I was cleaning up his hair, I thought I would recycle some of it and I made Monkey a toupe. She looks like a suave Albert Einstein!

Someone (I think it was my mom?) sent me these cool photos of fish painted on this couples faces:

Either these people are very creative (and have a lot of time on their hands) or they’ve been tripping on acid for a week straight…You decide.

Monkey has decided to protest my sentence, by rolling over and playing dead until I’m vindicated!!

(Monkey cracks me up :). She’s been sleeping like that for 20 minutes now. She has the funniest sleeping positions I’ve ever seen, like this and this.)

I’ve served two days of work service (only 88 to go! Yippee!) and after speaking to the other people it’s apparent that I got an extremely harse sentence. The people that got caught drinking and driving received 2 - 8 work service days. The people that have received multiple DUI’s are serving 20 - 35 days of work service. And the guy that elbowed a cop in the face received 20 days of work service (and the cop even apologized to him when he was sentenced).

I do believe that I’m being punished for who the judge thinks I am. To people that don’t know me, the prosecutor made me look like some lazy, rich, spoiled brat. And, as the people that do know me know, that is a far cry from who I am. Currently, with work, AA meetings and work service I am working over 100 hours a week. I’m exhausted, but I feel okay mentally. I don’t mind working hard and I’ve come to terms with being punished for standing up for my rights and trying to do the right thing. In the end, I will get through this and move on, and Officer Chris Karches will still be a slimy despicable liar with a miserable life.

An 11 year old boy shot and killed a 9ft long, 1051 pound pig in Alabama:

Well, it turns out that it wasn’t actually a “wild pig”, it was a domesticated pig named “Fred”. Poor Fred