I’m totally addicted to celebrity crack. “Celebrity crack” consists of celeb gossip websites that dish the dirt on the latest retarded antics of famous people (TMZ.com, popsugar.com, thehollywoodgossip.com, thesuperficial.com, etc). I don’t even know why it’s so entertaining to me. I don’t watch TV, I rarely watch movies, I can’t stand Hollywood clubs where you have to wait in line to get in and pay a few hundred dollars for a VIP table (can you say “sucker”?). Quite honestly, I wouldn’t even know who any of these “celebrities” were if it wern’t for the gossip mags/websites. It’s like a train wreck, you don’t want to look, but if you do, you can’t look away…

Any how, I spent a couple of hours today researching advertising on these celebrity sites for one of my stores (we share the same demographic) and I got distracted by a couple of things…

Britney Spears’ Ass:
Okay, I’ve been known to wear some short skirts, but I mean, COME ON, Britney:

Britney Spears is wearing a shirt, with no pants and knee high boots while shopping in Hollywood…Hmmm…Apparently she is on some REALLY good meds.

Heidi Montag’s Butterface:
I know, I know, I know. Totally not nice. But Heidi Montag is the epitome of the term “butterface” (For those of you that don’t know what “butterface” means, everything is good but-her-face).

Heidi Montag is some chick on the MTV reality show “The Hills”, which I’ve never seen, but apparently it’s popular. The boob job and nose job didn’t really help Heidi out much, but she does have a really cute butt. And it’s only $80 per month to advertise on Heidi’s official blog, so hopefully she can at least drive traffic…haha.

Sorry, I know. Totally bad.

Singer Amy Winehouse recently overdosed on ketamine, cocaine, ecstasy and heroine (seems like a reasonable mix to me. If you have a death wish…). Apparently she down with crack too.

Really? Amy Winehouse does DRUGS?! What a shocker…

Perhaps the 30lbs she’s lost should have thrown up a red flag…

Any how, she’s now bouncing in and out of “rehab” like every other celebrity that likes to party. Hopefully she can get it together, since she is a very talented singer…

Madonna really is truely a badass. The fact that she has remained on top of her game for 20+ years is something that I can’t say I’ve seen ANY other artist do. She has reinvented herself and her music so many times, but each change has been totally appropriate and still “Madonna”.

Check out her “Like a Virgin” video from the 80’s:

Now check out Madonna performing “Like a Virgin” on her latest tour:

Hot.

The most important beauty secret used by all major celebrities? A good photoshop artist.

On the left is Redbook magazine’s cover featuring a “picture” of Faith Hill and on the right is the actual photo:

Can you spot the differences? They erased Faith’s under eye bags, airbrushed her smile lines (and entire face), thinned her left arm, add a right arm to the picture, removed her collarbone, removed the back flab that her dress is cutting into and fixed her posture.

I don’t even know why magazines even stage these elaborate photoshoots anymore. They might as well save some money and scan a celebrities drivers license photo and photoshop it onto a stock body.

Did you know that Carmen Electra is a bonafide rapper? Yes, that’s right, she released a self titled rap album in 1993. And let me tell you, this is one hell of an album! With smash hits like “Go Go Dancer”, “Go on (Witcha Bad Self)” and “Fantasia Erotica”, you know I am anxiously awaiting the release of her next album.

Seriously though, Carmen’s rap album is SO bad it’s embarrasing. You gotta wonder what she was thinking. Check out the “hit” track “Go Go Dancer“. I wouldn’t quite call this gangsta rap, more like strippa rap…Although, I don’t think strip clubs would even play this horribly bad song. I hope she fired and/or quite hanging out with whomever told here she was a good rapper.

The whole reason I just thought about Carmens sweet rapping skillz is because that “Go Go Dancer” song is floating around in my iTunes and everytime it comes up in a shuffle I can’t believe how bad it is…very, very, very bad.

Luckly, Carmen Electra does have at least one talent…looking hot!

Go Carmen, go!

See! I told you Bill Gates was a criminal!!

Okay maybe this mugshot of Bill Gates was taken a few years ago (30 years, ago actually), but still…

How stoked does Bill Gates look to be going to jail though. He is pumped! Look at that million billion dollar smile.

Bill Gates was arrested by the Albuquerque, New Mexico police in 1977 after a traffic violation, details of which have been “lost” over time. I wonder if Bill paid someone off to “lose” his record…

Okay, I’m thoroughly confused. For months, people have been buzzing and blogging about Daniel Radcliffe (a.k.a. Harry Potter) starring in the play “Equus”. The big deal is that Harry Potter actor, Daniel Radcliffe, is sheding his squeaky clean image and he’s appearing nude in this play. Oh, and “Equus” is a play about Daniel’s character’s erotic obsession with horses.

So this is where I’m confused. Daniel Radcliffe is a minor. Daniel Radcliffe gets paid to appear nude in a weird beastiality play. How is this NOT child porn?! I understand that this is the art of theater and what not, but after reading all of these creepy chicks blogging/writing about Daniels “wand”, “unsheathing” and how they’d like to “be his little play horsey”…EWWWWWW.

Creepy chicks got me wondering: “Isn’t this ACTUALLY child pornography?!”. So I did a bit of research and from what I came up with, this IS actually child porn. I guess it doesn’t matter since he is a boy/almost-man, but if this was an underaged girl, you know people would be freaking out. Right?

I just saw this video of Anna Nicole Smith, 8 months prego, in clown face paint and totally whacked out of her mind. Her lawyer, Howard K Stern is shooting the video, making Anna look like even more of an idiot and verbally relishing how much money the video would make. Oh, and here’s the interview that Howard was paid $1Million for:

Come on Howard, you got a million bucks for that. Don’t you think you could muster up more then a few fake sobs and one tiny tear?! What a piece of shit…

I just stumbled upon this cool face recognition site, MyHeritage.com. You can upload a picture of your face and it will tell you what celebrity you look like. Apparently my face is a 71% match to Kate Hudson. Who do you look like?

Edit: Damn, I look tired in that picture! That was a pic from a trip to Washington DC and I has some serious jet lag…haha

Well, looks like my brother is famous again. My mom just emailed me this scan from the August 2006 Wired Magazine:

First he’s in the New York Times and now this. Total bullshit, how am I supposed to win my parents love away from him, when he keep pulling this “famous” crap…Jerk…haha

Edit: Here’s the Shawn Hogan Wired article online.